All I had to do, was look at how I cared for my children to know that I easily made excellent choices for those that I love. I would drag myself to the grocery store in the middle of the night to make sure that they had fresh, wholesome food for their meals the next day. I would scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees to make sure that it was clean enough for them to eat off of. I would risk confrontation with teachers, parents and relatives ensuring that my children were safe and happy at all times. I would do laundry from sun up to sun down to make sure they had clean, attractive clothing to wear every day. I would turn down social invitations in order to put my children to be freshly bathed and intellectually stimulated by the best children's literature well before they were overtired.
But for myself...I couldn't justify spending the extra money at the grocery store to buy the low-fat Greek style yogurt I liked. I couldn't take the time to go for a quick jog with the dog, or walk with a neighbor. I couldn't find the courage to advocate for my physical, emotional or spiritual health. I would wear the same outfit I wore the day before, certain that no one would notice the ketchup stains. I couldn't take the time to meet a friend anywhere but at the park. Every choice I made in regards to myself was determined by personal ambivalence.
Any use of time, energy or money had to be for the benefit of my children or husband, for me to avoid overwhelming guilt.
Anyone treated this way would begin to feel unloved...after seven years of it, I didn't just feel unloved, I looked unloved from head to toe.
I knew right then and there in that dressing room, that the only way to change, was going to have to start with a heart change.
OH......but that's when it got really ugly!!!
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